Post by LeatherPleasure on Oct 31, 2006 23:27:29 GMT -5
I wanna know if I'm doing revisions to my poems right. Please don't laugh, I know it sucks. Here is the original
Failed Attempt
The darkest night, bloodiest sky. No hope or judgement. Gifts taken away, raicheous fury.
As far as I can be.
As far as the eye can see.
As far as sorry can go.
As far as human hate can reach.
Born in terror, always falling. Tears inside, calm down. No light, black sky. Air in thin, blessed by death.
That was a load of crap so I did a revision..
Failed Attempt - Revised
The darkest night, blood red sky. Crystal blue rain gentley falling. No hope of judgement, just the sweet taste of emptyiness. Gifts are gone, raicheous fury pounding in the veins.
As far as I can be.
As far as the eye can see.
As far as hollow words can go.
As far as hate can reach.
As far as the wound goes.
Born into a pit and always falling. The tears inside can calm down. Sinners are light in the now black sky. The air is thin. Icey breath, everything slows down. Finally blessed by death.
Well, it was better but I still wasn't happy about it. So I did another revision of the revision earlier.
Failed Attempt - Revised 2
The darkest night, hidden in the blood red sky. Crystal rain gentley falling. Souls screaming inside each drop. No hope of judgement, just the taunting taste of emptiness. All gifts are gone, raicheous fury pounding in the veins.
As far as I can be.
As far as the eye can see.
As far as hollow words can go.
As far as hate can reach.
As far as the wound goes.
As far as you can kill.
As far as murder runs.
As far as a dead baby can squeal.
Born in dispair and always falling. The tears inside only burn worse. Sinners are the light in the now midnight clouds. The air is thinning. Everything slows down. Breathing in ice, breaking everything. Death dances around, then nothing.
Am I doing it right? I know it's stupid, but I wanna know..
edit: fixed a typo
Failed Attempt
The darkest night, bloodiest sky. No hope or judgement. Gifts taken away, raicheous fury.
As far as I can be.
As far as the eye can see.
As far as sorry can go.
As far as human hate can reach.
Born in terror, always falling. Tears inside, calm down. No light, black sky. Air in thin, blessed by death.
That was a load of crap so I did a revision..
Failed Attempt - Revised
The darkest night, blood red sky. Crystal blue rain gentley falling. No hope of judgement, just the sweet taste of emptyiness. Gifts are gone, raicheous fury pounding in the veins.
As far as I can be.
As far as the eye can see.
As far as hollow words can go.
As far as hate can reach.
As far as the wound goes.
Born into a pit and always falling. The tears inside can calm down. Sinners are light in the now black sky. The air is thin. Icey breath, everything slows down. Finally blessed by death.
Well, it was better but I still wasn't happy about it. So I did another revision of the revision earlier.
Failed Attempt - Revised 2
The darkest night, hidden in the blood red sky. Crystal rain gentley falling. Souls screaming inside each drop. No hope of judgement, just the taunting taste of emptiness. All gifts are gone, raicheous fury pounding in the veins.
As far as I can be.
As far as the eye can see.
As far as hollow words can go.
As far as hate can reach.
As far as the wound goes.
As far as you can kill.
As far as murder runs.
As far as a dead baby can squeal.
Born in dispair and always falling. The tears inside only burn worse. Sinners are the light in the now midnight clouds. The air is thinning. Everything slows down. Breathing in ice, breaking everything. Death dances around, then nothing.
Am I doing it right? I know it's stupid, but I wanna know..
edit: fixed a typo
